Are you a good lover? Sure, you say you are, but if I asked 3 of your ex’s, what would they say? I’ll bet they may have a different opinion. I’ve had many women tell me that they were really incredible only to find out later that they were duds. If you’d like to be just as good (bad) as these women, here are your keys:
1) Taking ex-lover’s opinions
Any guy that wants to play sheet-hockey with you is going to tell you how great you are. I’m sorry, but we guys lie to you not to hurt you, but to prevent you from being an even worse – or scarce – lover. We have enough to worry about with just getting good sex to add to it.
Here’s a bottom line you should adopt: don’t use the salesman’s opinion to judge the quality of the product. Of course we’re going to tell you that you’re awesome! We’re just glad we got some sex! Consider too that because so many women are “sex-challenged”, many men have never been with a good lover in the first place.
2) Assuming you’re good in bed
Every woman I know thinks she’s a great kisser and at least decent in bed. In fact in my experience, less than 10% are either. You don’t have to take my word for this however, according to my own research; most other men put the number at around the same place!
Assuming that you’re already skilled can actually prevent you from gaining the skills you really should have. Being “confident, but curious” will take you to that glorious 10% very quickly.
3) Not knowing your own sexuality
Many, many women don’t focus on their own sexuality and assume that a man will come along to teach them everything they should know. Don’t believe it. It is YOUR job to learn about your own sexuality so that you bring this to the table in a relationship. After all, if you don’t understand your own sexuality – what works for you, what doesn’t and what else you want to explore – how are you ever going to communicate this to your lover?
Some men may stay in a relationship with a lousy lover, but we constantly think about how it’d be with someone else. If you think that takes the pressure off of you fine, but don’t be surprised when your lover decides he want to taste a little of that other fruit.
So, you’re probably asking exactly how to learn about your own sexuality. The answer is simple: masturbation. This is the time you get to safely explore your own fantasies in private. Your mind is a creative, healing spring of energy and taking a little time for yourself is not only fun, it’s the key to really understanding your own needs – and getting comfortable with them! This can be a powerful source growth if you use it that way.
4) A lack of experience
If you’re saving yourself for marriage or for some knight in shining armor, just consider what you’re going to have to give when it or he finally arrives. I can’t tell you how many women just assume that everything will be incredible – and how many relationships break up because it’s not.
Not many western men these days want virgins. For those of us with some experience, we realize that this is just too much work! I don’t want to have to spend the next 5 years helping a woman just get in touch with her own sexual side – she should bring this to the relationship in the first place!
You’ve no doubt heard that sex “…isn’t the most important part of a relationship…” and while that may be true, it’s in the top 3! Why would you spend so much of your time working on becoming the woman of your man’s dreams, only to fail where it’s most important to him?
I’m not saying that you should go out and bang every guy you meet, but you should see every sexual relationship you are in as a chance to grow your own skills for that guy that finally does sweep you off your feet. Doesn’t he deserve this from you? (Answer: yes, he does!)
5) Reading books and articles written by women about what men want in bed
If I want to learn about car maintenance, I don’t usually go to a guy that sells camels and ask. I’ll go right to the mechanic. Women spend countless hours reading articles and books written by other women about how to satisfy men sexually. The trouble with this is that many of these women are just as inexperienced! Many men look at these articles too and most of us just roll our eyes.
6) Not communicating
If I or any man asks you what you like in bed, NEVER give the answer, “Oh, I like just about everything!” It’s a cop-out and we know it. More important if you DO give an answer like this, don’t be surprised if you come home one day and find your cousin, a horse, a trampoline and a clown in your living room ready for action.
Being with someone sexually is an opportunity to get your needs met – and to explore new ones. You can only do this by communicating honestly, openly and without embarrassment.
7) Not asking
Wouldn’t you love to hear your partner ask you, “Honey, is there anything you really want that you haven’t told me?” Guys do too! Very few of us are the insecure jackasses some make us out to be. If we know you want something, we’ll almost always find a way to give it to you.
8) Complaining
When you ask for something and get it – even if it’s not exactly right – don’t complain. There are far better ways to improve things! That especially means right in the middle of sex.
Recommendations are taken far better than simply complaining about something. If you tell us what you want, we may still not exactly understand it from your perspective. Women are rather more complicated than men in this department. As I’ve already said, if we know you want something, we’ll almost always try to give it to you. If it’s not exactly what or how you like it, help us to understand it. You’ll be the benefactor!
On the other hand, if you simply complain, get used to the idea that you’re not going to get what you want – and it’ll be your own fault.
9) Lack of enthusiasm
If you think holding back is the way to get us to be more interested in you, let me set you straight on this: it won’t work. We’ll simply find someone that won’t hold back and leave you wondering what happened.
Your sexual enthusiasm also communicates your interest in us. That doesn’t mean you have to bounce off the walls, but at least be interested in sex and want to grow with us. We’ll return the favor in ways you can’t imagine.
10) Being self-conscious
I know, I know, you’re worried about the lighting, mood and every other little issue:
“Does my hair look good?”
“Am I making enough noise?”
“Am I making too much noise?”
“Does this pillow make my ass look big?”
Honey, you look great – really. We aren’t concerned with all of this detail. We are focused on the sex itself – with you; not whether or not you have cellulite. In fact, we just don’t give a damn! Stay with us in the moment and let’s have fun together. This isn’t an anatomy lesson and you’re not competing with the girls in the magazine under our bed – really!
I hope that list has helped you sort out what you can do to be a lousy lover. Now, simply turn this around, and become a great one – both you AND your partner deserve it!
Best regards…
Copyright (c) 2006, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's Worldtm" (volumes I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
19 November 2008
22 September 2008
What Women Don't Get About Men
Excerpts from the article:
"Men's desire, emotional or sexual, must either mimic women's or be classed as deviant, probably deliberately so. No self-control. Evil instincts. Clumsy. Emotionally inarticulate. Weak. Predatory. A perve."
"The existence of sexual and erotic desire is a given; but what it points itself towards seems almost entirely cultural."
"You have to conclude that while our sexual and erotic (they're different, of course) urges are instinctive, their manifestations are as much a matter of time, place and custom as what we eat or how we dress. If everyone else is doing it, one would be a fool to do otherwise. And any sexual behaviour, for men at least, with our relatively easy route to orgasm, is going to be reinforced by pretty powerful rewards."
Read the whole article over at the Independent UK.
"Men's desire, emotional or sexual, must either mimic women's or be classed as deviant, probably deliberately so. No self-control. Evil instincts. Clumsy. Emotionally inarticulate. Weak. Predatory. A perve."
"The existence of sexual and erotic desire is a given; but what it points itself towards seems almost entirely cultural."
"You have to conclude that while our sexual and erotic (they're different, of course) urges are instinctive, their manifestations are as much a matter of time, place and custom as what we eat or how we dress. If everyone else is doing it, one would be a fool to do otherwise. And any sexual behaviour, for men at least, with our relatively easy route to orgasm, is going to be reinforced by pretty powerful rewards."
Read the whole article over at the Independent UK.
19 September 2008
10 Simple Steps To Skyrocket Your Natural Testosterone Production
There are many factors that determine how much muscle a person can ultimately build. Training intensity, nutrition, supplementation and rest; these are just a few of the many variables that will contribute to your overall muscle-building "bottom line". Another major factor in this giant equation is your body's natural levels of the anabolic hormone testosterone.
Quite simply, testosterone is the most important muscle-building hormone in your body and is one of the limiting factors that determines how much muscle a person can build. Here is just a small handful of the many amazing benefits that increased testosterone levels will provide you with:
- Increased muscle size and strength.
- Decreased body fat levels.
- Increased sex drive and sexual endurance.
- Improved mood.
- Decreased levels of "bad" cholesterol.
Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Well it is, and I'm going to show you exactly how to achieve all of these benefits step by step. Before I do that, let's cover some basic biology so that we're all on the same page here. Here are the general steps that the body goes through in order to produce this incredible hormone:
First, the brain releases a substance called Luteinizing Hormone, or "LH" for short. LH basically "tells" the body to start producing testosterone. Once this occurs, the adrenal glands release DHEA into the bloodstream. LH and DHEA then travel together to the testes where testosterone production begins. Testosterone can now be released into the bloodstream to perform its magic.
So, without further ado, here are some basic methods you can implement in order to naturally raise your body's levels of testosterone and take advantage of all of its amazing benefits.
1) Use compound exercises as the cornerstone of your workouts. I'm talking about the basic, bread-and-butter lifts such as squats, deadlifts, bench presses, rows, chin-ups, dips, lunges and military presses. This will place your muscles under the greatest amount of stress in the gym and will force your body to increase testosterone production.
2) Always train with 100% effort and intensity. If you want to see real muscle gains, you must be willing to push yourself to the limit in the gym. Again, greater muscular stress in the gym translates to higher testosterone output.
3) Train your legs equally as hard as your upper body. As you may already be aware, intense leg training can actually stimulate growth in your chest, back and arms. This is due in part to the increase in testosterone that leg training induces.
4) Increase your EFA consumption. Essential Fatty Acids from sources such as peanuts, avocadoes, fish and healthy oils like flax seed, olive and canola are a great way to naturally boost testosterone levels.
5) Reduce your intake of soy. Soy protein raises the body's levels of estrogen (the main female hormone) and this has a direct negative effect on testosterone levels.
6) Limit your consumption of alcohol. Alcohol has been shown to have quite a dramatic effect on testosterone levels, so try to limit your "binge drinking" nights and keep your alcohol consumption in moderation.
7) Increase your dietary intake of cruciferous vegetables. Broccoli, cauliflower, radishes, turnips, cabbage and brussel sprouts have all been shown to dramatically reduce estrogen levels, thereby raising testosterone.
8) Lower your daily stress levels. Being overly stressed stimulates the release of "cortisol", a highly catabolic hormone that will cause your testosterone levels to plummet.
9) Increase your sexual activity. Sexual stimulation causes the body to increase the production of oxytocin which increases endorphin production (the "feel-good" chemical), and this also raises testosterone.
10) Make sure to get adequate sleep every night. A lack of sleep contributes to cortisol production, and this will lower your testosterone levels.
So there you have it, 10 basic, easy-to-follow guidelines for increasing your testosterone levels naturally.
Start implementing these techniques on a consistent basis and get ready for some dramatic muscle size and strength gains!
Sean Nalewanyj
Quite simply, testosterone is the most important muscle-building hormone in your body and is one of the limiting factors that determines how much muscle a person can build. Here is just a small handful of the many amazing benefits that increased testosterone levels will provide you with:
- Increased muscle size and strength.
- Decreased body fat levels.
- Increased sex drive and sexual endurance.
- Improved mood.
- Decreased levels of "bad" cholesterol.
Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? Well it is, and I'm going to show you exactly how to achieve all of these benefits step by step. Before I do that, let's cover some basic biology so that we're all on the same page here. Here are the general steps that the body goes through in order to produce this incredible hormone:
First, the brain releases a substance called Luteinizing Hormone, or "LH" for short. LH basically "tells" the body to start producing testosterone. Once this occurs, the adrenal glands release DHEA into the bloodstream. LH and DHEA then travel together to the testes where testosterone production begins. Testosterone can now be released into the bloodstream to perform its magic.
So, without further ado, here are some basic methods you can implement in order to naturally raise your body's levels of testosterone and take advantage of all of its amazing benefits.
1) Use compound exercises as the cornerstone of your workouts. I'm talking about the basic, bread-and-butter lifts such as squats, deadlifts, bench presses, rows, chin-ups, dips, lunges and military presses. This will place your muscles under the greatest amount of stress in the gym and will force your body to increase testosterone production.
2) Always train with 100% effort and intensity. If you want to see real muscle gains, you must be willing to push yourself to the limit in the gym. Again, greater muscular stress in the gym translates to higher testosterone output.
3) Train your legs equally as hard as your upper body. As you may already be aware, intense leg training can actually stimulate growth in your chest, back and arms. This is due in part to the increase in testosterone that leg training induces.
4) Increase your EFA consumption. Essential Fatty Acids from sources such as peanuts, avocadoes, fish and healthy oils like flax seed, olive and canola are a great way to naturally boost testosterone levels.
5) Reduce your intake of soy. Soy protein raises the body's levels of estrogen (the main female hormone) and this has a direct negative effect on testosterone levels.
6) Limit your consumption of alcohol. Alcohol has been shown to have quite a dramatic effect on testosterone levels, so try to limit your "binge drinking" nights and keep your alcohol consumption in moderation.
7) Increase your dietary intake of cruciferous vegetables. Broccoli, cauliflower, radishes, turnips, cabbage and brussel sprouts have all been shown to dramatically reduce estrogen levels, thereby raising testosterone.
8) Lower your daily stress levels. Being overly stressed stimulates the release of "cortisol", a highly catabolic hormone that will cause your testosterone levels to plummet.
9) Increase your sexual activity. Sexual stimulation causes the body to increase the production of oxytocin which increases endorphin production (the "feel-good" chemical), and this also raises testosterone.
10) Make sure to get adequate sleep every night. A lack of sleep contributes to cortisol production, and this will lower your testosterone levels.
So there you have it, 10 basic, easy-to-follow guidelines for increasing your testosterone levels naturally.
Start implementing these techniques on a consistent basis and get ready for some dramatic muscle size and strength gains!
Sean Nalewanyj
Sean Nalewanyj is a bodybuilding expert, fitness author and writer of top-selling Internet Bodybuilding E-Book: The Truth About Building Muscle. Learn the unbiased truth about achieving maximum muscle growth at his website: http://www.MuscleGainTruth.com/
16 September 2008
The Ultimate Aphrodisiac: Emotional Intimacy!
Sex... There, I've said it... There are two major hot buttons for couples that come to see me: sex and money (we'll get to money in another article).
People will not usually state it up front. It feels far too shameful to approach right off. But eventually I find that the sexual part of their life is ho-hum, less than satisfying, a subtle power game, or a hostile battlefield.
This is far from the lusty, passionate and even sweet experience of movies and advertisements. So, what's going on in the bedroom?
First, let me assure you that many couples have a sexual life that is very fine. If you're in that category then great! If not, then read on.
Most of us know that men and women have very different notions about sexuality. The stereotype is that men are just interested in bodies and women just want emotional closeness. And our culture encourages these stereotypes. However, there is also a lot of truth in them.
Men, I'm going to tell you something you'll probably not hear anywhere else. So, listen up. At age 18 the hormones in the body work just fine.We'll immediately get an erection if we look at a naked woman. But, by the time we reach middle age this natural biological function has really dimmed.
Except for the men with the highest of sex drives we all find that the pump has to be primed with: Emotional Intimacy. This means that we talk with our partner, look deep into her eyes, listen to what she's about and (yikes!) tell her about our deepest fears, failings, and desires to succeed.
Women have known this stuff all along. My wife has always had a saying, "Love me in the kitchen, if you expect me to love you in the bedroom."
She doesn't mean grope her in the kitchen. She means to partake of life with her, to know her deeply, and to make sure she gets this message all day long.
Women, it's a terribly frustrating experience to have your partner experience impotency. If you're secure and caring you want to help him so much, but the help is difficult to come up with. If you're insecure you might start to believe it is you're fault and you're just not woman enough to turn him on.
The real problem is usually a lack of priming the pump. And by that I mean real serious emotional intimacy. And usually, your partner doesn't have a clue to what this means. Usually we men learn about this stuff from you women.
So, where's the 1,2,3 easy answer? Sorry to disappoint you. There isn't one. I could lose readership over this, but you need to hear the truth.
Emotional intimacy requires a lasting commitment to entering the other's life in deeper and deeper ways. There are books and books written on this, but who follows the advice?
So, here is your assignment for later today: Tell your partner about a fear you've never mentioned. Make sure it is one that you don't want to bring up. Make sure it is a challenge to you. Regardless of the reaction, know that you've just taken a step of maturity that can ultimately be the step to a real turn on!
Steve Roberts
People will not usually state it up front. It feels far too shameful to approach right off. But eventually I find that the sexual part of their life is ho-hum, less than satisfying, a subtle power game, or a hostile battlefield.
This is far from the lusty, passionate and even sweet experience of movies and advertisements. So, what's going on in the bedroom?
First, let me assure you that many couples have a sexual life that is very fine. If you're in that category then great! If not, then read on.
Most of us know that men and women have very different notions about sexuality. The stereotype is that men are just interested in bodies and women just want emotional closeness. And our culture encourages these stereotypes. However, there is also a lot of truth in them.
Men, I'm going to tell you something you'll probably not hear anywhere else. So, listen up. At age 18 the hormones in the body work just fine.We'll immediately get an erection if we look at a naked woman. But, by the time we reach middle age this natural biological function has really dimmed.
Except for the men with the highest of sex drives we all find that the pump has to be primed with: Emotional Intimacy. This means that we talk with our partner, look deep into her eyes, listen to what she's about and (yikes!) tell her about our deepest fears, failings, and desires to succeed.
Women have known this stuff all along. My wife has always had a saying, "Love me in the kitchen, if you expect me to love you in the bedroom."
She doesn't mean grope her in the kitchen. She means to partake of life with her, to know her deeply, and to make sure she gets this message all day long.
Women, it's a terribly frustrating experience to have your partner experience impotency. If you're secure and caring you want to help him so much, but the help is difficult to come up with. If you're insecure you might start to believe it is you're fault and you're just not woman enough to turn him on.
The real problem is usually a lack of priming the pump. And by that I mean real serious emotional intimacy. And usually, your partner doesn't have a clue to what this means. Usually we men learn about this stuff from you women.
So, where's the 1,2,3 easy answer? Sorry to disappoint you. There isn't one. I could lose readership over this, but you need to hear the truth.
Emotional intimacy requires a lasting commitment to entering the other's life in deeper and deeper ways. There are books and books written on this, but who follows the advice?
So, here is your assignment for later today: Tell your partner about a fear you've never mentioned. Make sure it is one that you don't want to bring up. Make sure it is a challenge to you. Regardless of the reaction, know that you've just taken a step of maturity that can ultimately be the step to a real turn on!
Steve Roberts
Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Married 27 years to Pam, his partner in Life and profession, he has personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience. Get insight and wisdom for your relationships at www.whatworksforcouples.com.
G Spot Positions: Our Favorite 3 Positions to Hit Your G Spot During Sex
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Ten Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex With A Man
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Intimacy Begins with You
“He’s just like the last boyfriend I had! He doesn’t know how to be intimate!” Jennifer was visibly frustrated and even feeling despair. “What’s wrong with men? What’s wrong with me?!” she wailed.
“Have you told him how important intimacy is to you? Have you talked about it? Maybe he thinks he’s being intimate.” Martha was happily content in her romantic relationship and she wanted the same for her best friend.
“No! If I start pressing him about my need for intimacy, I’ll probably drive him away!”
“Jennifer, if you feel you can’t talk about it then you’re being inauthentic and intimacy cannot exist in an inauthentic relationship!”
Jennifer looked at Martha as if she’d just heard the last thing she wanted to hear. But Martha is right! Intimacy requires authenticity, among other things. As Jennifer’s words reveal, she’s having a hard time being authentic with herself. How can she expect to be authentic with her lover? Does she even know how to begin?
In this article we’re going to look at five ingredients for creating intimacy – five ingredients that you can begin to use immediately because intimacy begins with you.
Honesty
The first one is honesty. It may seem obvious that honesty is an ingredient for intimacy between lovers but achieving honesty can actually be quite a challenge. Begin by examining how honest you are with yourself on a daily, even an hourly, basis. You may find you tell lies to yourself (and others) to remain pleasing and unthreatening.
For instance, let’s say you hate the way he or she monopolizes conversation but you listen anyway in order to be pleasing. Rather than put the blame on the big talker, look at what is going on with you and you’ll likely find a way to communicate your needs in a way he or she can hear you.
When your date/lover/spouse monopolizes conversation, how does it make you feel? Do you feel taken for granted? Do you feel unvalued or even rejected? As you examine the answers to these questions, you may feel a kind of heat stirring up inside. That heat could be defined as anger but, more likely, it’s the heat of putting yourself on the spot. When you quit complaining about how insensitive the other person is and look at how it makes you feel to allow yourself to be treated that way, you’ve drawn a line in the sand for yourself. That can be as frightening as it is liberating.
With this kind of honesty, you lay the groundwork for instigating a meaningful conversation. Approach the other person with how you feel, rather than what’s wrong with him or her. Tell her you need to be heard as well. That her listening shows you she cares. Tell him you want to share yourself with him too. That his listening helps you feel valued and appreciated. Just that much honesty could turn the tide for both of you.
He may not have a clue he’s being boorish. She may have no idea she’s being self-centered. He could be touched that something he can do that is so simple (listening to you) could make a difference in your life. She may want you to know how much she admires you but talks all the time because she’s nervous around you. Because you don’t say, “This is what’s wrong with you,” or “You’re driving me crazy!” and, instead, talk about your feelings and what you need to feel better, your date/lover/spouse is in a position to support you rather than to defend.
Honesty is an important ingredient for creating intimacy. Begin by going deep with yourself and you’ll create momentum for greater honesty and intimacy in the relationship.
Compassion
The second ingredient for creating intimacy is compassion. Begin by being compassionate with you. In other words, lighten up! For instance, you look at how dishonest you’ve been with yourself in this relationship and you feel horrible! You want to beat yourself up for it. Don’t! Instead, choose compassion. Tell yourself, “You know, I’m learning how to be a better me in this relationship. I can do this!”
Intimacy thrives in an environment of compassion. It is nearly impossible to extend compassion to another if you cannot extend it to yourself. It may seem self-centered to focus on being kind to you. The truth is the more compassion you give you, the more you have to give to others.
Compassion, rather than a feeling, is something you give. It’s something you do. It’s a choice you make to actively show your love, respect, and unconditional regard. For those of us who are hard on ourselves, and thereby hard on others, there are numerous opportunities in every single day to practice the gift of compassion. Lightening your load by stilling the harsh self-judgment is a great place to begin.
When you’re in the habit of lightening up on yourself, laughing over a harmless mistake instead of beating yourself up, it becomes easier to refrain from disrespecting him or chastising her. When your date/lover/spouse knows you can be counted on for compassion, the intimacy in the relationship increases exponentially!
Authenticity
The third ingredient is authenticity. As we saw in the dialogue at the beginning, Jennifer, like many of us, wants intimacy without having to be authentic. When you are authentic you are genuine, real, trustworthy, and reliable. Being those things makes a person feel vulnerable. If your history has taught you that partners cannot be trusted with that much vulnerability, it can make you feel scared and stupid to go there! But you will not create an intimate relationship if you don’t.
Authenticity begins with your feelings. You can learn to be authentic with yourself by observing your feelings. This doesn’t mean acting out on every single feeling that comes up. It does mean no longer ignoring them. You can choose to not act on a feeling. You can even choose to feel it later. But do choose to observe it.
Perhaps you’ve been dating a man for awhile who won’t quite claim you as his own. Whether or not you two are free to date other people, has become blurry. You don’t want to date anyone else and you know he isn’t dating anyone else. But taking the next step to a proclamation of boyfriend-girlfriend exclusivity is one he just will not take! Because you’ve always prided yourself on not being “clingy,” you pretend the arrangement suits you. Honestly, you prefer the ideal you as someone who can give a man his freedom. But you’re feelings are hurt that he doesn’t care enough to extend himself to the next level of commitment. This is no longer a matter of being honest about a philosophy but is a circumstance that hurts you deeply.
Instead of blaming one more man for having commitment issues, look at your feelings and get clear about what you need to communicate. Has the situation become intolerable? He needs to know that. On the other hand, if your yearning for him is so intense that you want to ride it out and see what happens, you can examine your choices. Maybe you want to risk it all and talk to him about it. Perhaps you want to just be really clear about your own intentions for the relationship and give him the space to take the next step on his own. You might even see the situation as a challenge and take advantage of it to become irresistible to him.
When we are inauthentic, we’re operating on automatic. And when we operate on automatic, we make mistakes. However, once you’ve chosen to be authentic about your feelings with yourself, you open up options to experiment with to see what works and what doesn’t work. If you fail, it’s easier to be forgiven for trying something from an authentic space than it is for trying something while being unreal or ingenuous.
Integrity
The fourth ingredient is integrity. Integrity has to do with whether or not you keep promises. Intimacy cannot survive in a relationship where promises are not kept. This includes the promises you make to yourself.
Most of us feel lousy when we fail to keep a promise, even a promise no one knows we broke because we only made it to ourselves. Most of us also tell lies when we break promises. Rather than acknowledge our failure, we create lies to protect the other person. We really don’t want him or her to think we just didn’t care enough to follow through on our promise.
When a person is let down again and again by the one he or she loves most, a wall gets built up that is very hard to penetrate. The only way to take down that wall is to get busy keeping your word so that you can rebuild trust.
Because it is so easy for us to break the promises we make to ourselves, the best place to exercise keeping one’s word is by refusing to break those personal, private promises. And when those promises get broken, being straight on honest and clear about how and why the promise was broken with specific plans to make up for it, is the best way to get back on track.
Treat yourself the way you’d treat the person you respect most in this world, and you’ll find that treating others that well begins to come naturally and easily.
Courage
Intimacy takes us out of our comfort zones. That’s one of the reasons it is so yummy! To be so vulnerable with another person that we’re willing to risk being uncomfortable and have him or her see us more deeply and in surprising ways is frightening and thrilling. It leaves us feeling completely bare and empty just before it fills us up to the brim with feeling seen, heard, and appreciated. That takes courage!
This last ingredient wraps it all up because the previous four require courage and intimacy itself demands it! Even courage begins with you. It takes courage to get to know yourself so well that you can be deeply honest, compassionate, authentic, and in integrity with you. It takes courage to face yourself and your feelings. If you’ll begin by being courageous with you, you will find it easier to access courage when interacting with others.
As you take the time to grow intimacy with yourself, opportunities for intimacy with others will show up for you. The courage it takes to grow intimacy with yourself will be there for you whenever you need it.
Intimacy will grow as slowly or as quickly as you want it to, as long as you begin with you.
- Joseph and Sarah Elizabeth
About The Author
Joseph and Sarah Elizabeth Malinak live in Asheville, NC. They are life coaches who specialize in helping folks improve the quality of their relationships “because relationships matter!”
In 2005, they founded Ideal Relationships (www.IdealRelationships.com). Joseph has over thirty years of experience as a self-growth facilitator, and Sarah has a Master of Divinity degree in Pastoral Care and Counseling. In addition, Joseph gives Relationship Consultations using the Cards of Destiny system (www.josephmalinak.com). Together they bring a wealth of talent and compassion to their relationship coaching, workshops, and seminars.
At Ideal Relationships, we believe that everyone deserves to have the best relationships possible! Relationships matter because the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. Whether the relationship is with the self, another, or the Holy; relationships ground us, define us, challenge us, and free us.
Joseph and Sarah have written a book on romantic relationships called Getting Back to Love: When the Pushing and Pulling Threaten to Tear You Apart. You can find it at www.GettingBacktoLove.com.
“Have you told him how important intimacy is to you? Have you talked about it? Maybe he thinks he’s being intimate.” Martha was happily content in her romantic relationship and she wanted the same for her best friend.
“No! If I start pressing him about my need for intimacy, I’ll probably drive him away!”
“Jennifer, if you feel you can’t talk about it then you’re being inauthentic and intimacy cannot exist in an inauthentic relationship!”
Jennifer looked at Martha as if she’d just heard the last thing she wanted to hear. But Martha is right! Intimacy requires authenticity, among other things. As Jennifer’s words reveal, she’s having a hard time being authentic with herself. How can she expect to be authentic with her lover? Does she even know how to begin?
In this article we’re going to look at five ingredients for creating intimacy – five ingredients that you can begin to use immediately because intimacy begins with you.
Honesty
The first one is honesty. It may seem obvious that honesty is an ingredient for intimacy between lovers but achieving honesty can actually be quite a challenge. Begin by examining how honest you are with yourself on a daily, even an hourly, basis. You may find you tell lies to yourself (and others) to remain pleasing and unthreatening.
For instance, let’s say you hate the way he or she monopolizes conversation but you listen anyway in order to be pleasing. Rather than put the blame on the big talker, look at what is going on with you and you’ll likely find a way to communicate your needs in a way he or she can hear you.
When your date/lover/spouse monopolizes conversation, how does it make you feel? Do you feel taken for granted? Do you feel unvalued or even rejected? As you examine the answers to these questions, you may feel a kind of heat stirring up inside. That heat could be defined as anger but, more likely, it’s the heat of putting yourself on the spot. When you quit complaining about how insensitive the other person is and look at how it makes you feel to allow yourself to be treated that way, you’ve drawn a line in the sand for yourself. That can be as frightening as it is liberating.
With this kind of honesty, you lay the groundwork for instigating a meaningful conversation. Approach the other person with how you feel, rather than what’s wrong with him or her. Tell her you need to be heard as well. That her listening shows you she cares. Tell him you want to share yourself with him too. That his listening helps you feel valued and appreciated. Just that much honesty could turn the tide for both of you.
He may not have a clue he’s being boorish. She may have no idea she’s being self-centered. He could be touched that something he can do that is so simple (listening to you) could make a difference in your life. She may want you to know how much she admires you but talks all the time because she’s nervous around you. Because you don’t say, “This is what’s wrong with you,” or “You’re driving me crazy!” and, instead, talk about your feelings and what you need to feel better, your date/lover/spouse is in a position to support you rather than to defend.
Honesty is an important ingredient for creating intimacy. Begin by going deep with yourself and you’ll create momentum for greater honesty and intimacy in the relationship.
Compassion
The second ingredient for creating intimacy is compassion. Begin by being compassionate with you. In other words, lighten up! For instance, you look at how dishonest you’ve been with yourself in this relationship and you feel horrible! You want to beat yourself up for it. Don’t! Instead, choose compassion. Tell yourself, “You know, I’m learning how to be a better me in this relationship. I can do this!”
Intimacy thrives in an environment of compassion. It is nearly impossible to extend compassion to another if you cannot extend it to yourself. It may seem self-centered to focus on being kind to you. The truth is the more compassion you give you, the more you have to give to others.
Compassion, rather than a feeling, is something you give. It’s something you do. It’s a choice you make to actively show your love, respect, and unconditional regard. For those of us who are hard on ourselves, and thereby hard on others, there are numerous opportunities in every single day to practice the gift of compassion. Lightening your load by stilling the harsh self-judgment is a great place to begin.
When you’re in the habit of lightening up on yourself, laughing over a harmless mistake instead of beating yourself up, it becomes easier to refrain from disrespecting him or chastising her. When your date/lover/spouse knows you can be counted on for compassion, the intimacy in the relationship increases exponentially!
Authenticity
The third ingredient is authenticity. As we saw in the dialogue at the beginning, Jennifer, like many of us, wants intimacy without having to be authentic. When you are authentic you are genuine, real, trustworthy, and reliable. Being those things makes a person feel vulnerable. If your history has taught you that partners cannot be trusted with that much vulnerability, it can make you feel scared and stupid to go there! But you will not create an intimate relationship if you don’t.
Authenticity begins with your feelings. You can learn to be authentic with yourself by observing your feelings. This doesn’t mean acting out on every single feeling that comes up. It does mean no longer ignoring them. You can choose to not act on a feeling. You can even choose to feel it later. But do choose to observe it.
Perhaps you’ve been dating a man for awhile who won’t quite claim you as his own. Whether or not you two are free to date other people, has become blurry. You don’t want to date anyone else and you know he isn’t dating anyone else. But taking the next step to a proclamation of boyfriend-girlfriend exclusivity is one he just will not take! Because you’ve always prided yourself on not being “clingy,” you pretend the arrangement suits you. Honestly, you prefer the ideal you as someone who can give a man his freedom. But you’re feelings are hurt that he doesn’t care enough to extend himself to the next level of commitment. This is no longer a matter of being honest about a philosophy but is a circumstance that hurts you deeply.
Instead of blaming one more man for having commitment issues, look at your feelings and get clear about what you need to communicate. Has the situation become intolerable? He needs to know that. On the other hand, if your yearning for him is so intense that you want to ride it out and see what happens, you can examine your choices. Maybe you want to risk it all and talk to him about it. Perhaps you want to just be really clear about your own intentions for the relationship and give him the space to take the next step on his own. You might even see the situation as a challenge and take advantage of it to become irresistible to him.
When we are inauthentic, we’re operating on automatic. And when we operate on automatic, we make mistakes. However, once you’ve chosen to be authentic about your feelings with yourself, you open up options to experiment with to see what works and what doesn’t work. If you fail, it’s easier to be forgiven for trying something from an authentic space than it is for trying something while being unreal or ingenuous.
Integrity
The fourth ingredient is integrity. Integrity has to do with whether or not you keep promises. Intimacy cannot survive in a relationship where promises are not kept. This includes the promises you make to yourself.
Most of us feel lousy when we fail to keep a promise, even a promise no one knows we broke because we only made it to ourselves. Most of us also tell lies when we break promises. Rather than acknowledge our failure, we create lies to protect the other person. We really don’t want him or her to think we just didn’t care enough to follow through on our promise.
When a person is let down again and again by the one he or she loves most, a wall gets built up that is very hard to penetrate. The only way to take down that wall is to get busy keeping your word so that you can rebuild trust.
Because it is so easy for us to break the promises we make to ourselves, the best place to exercise keeping one’s word is by refusing to break those personal, private promises. And when those promises get broken, being straight on honest and clear about how and why the promise was broken with specific plans to make up for it, is the best way to get back on track.
Treat yourself the way you’d treat the person you respect most in this world, and you’ll find that treating others that well begins to come naturally and easily.
Courage
Intimacy takes us out of our comfort zones. That’s one of the reasons it is so yummy! To be so vulnerable with another person that we’re willing to risk being uncomfortable and have him or her see us more deeply and in surprising ways is frightening and thrilling. It leaves us feeling completely bare and empty just before it fills us up to the brim with feeling seen, heard, and appreciated. That takes courage!
This last ingredient wraps it all up because the previous four require courage and intimacy itself demands it! Even courage begins with you. It takes courage to get to know yourself so well that you can be deeply honest, compassionate, authentic, and in integrity with you. It takes courage to face yourself and your feelings. If you’ll begin by being courageous with you, you will find it easier to access courage when interacting with others.
As you take the time to grow intimacy with yourself, opportunities for intimacy with others will show up for you. The courage it takes to grow intimacy with yourself will be there for you whenever you need it.
Intimacy will grow as slowly or as quickly as you want it to, as long as you begin with you.
- Joseph and Sarah Elizabeth
About The Author
Joseph and Sarah Elizabeth Malinak live in Asheville, NC. They are life coaches who specialize in helping folks improve the quality of their relationships “because relationships matter!”
In 2005, they founded Ideal Relationships (www.IdealRelationships.com). Joseph has over thirty years of experience as a self-growth facilitator, and Sarah has a Master of Divinity degree in Pastoral Care and Counseling. In addition, Joseph gives Relationship Consultations using the Cards of Destiny system (www.josephmalinak.com). Together they bring a wealth of talent and compassion to their relationship coaching, workshops, and seminars.
At Ideal Relationships, we believe that everyone deserves to have the best relationships possible! Relationships matter because the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. Whether the relationship is with the self, another, or the Holy; relationships ground us, define us, challenge us, and free us.
Joseph and Sarah have written a book on romantic relationships called Getting Back to Love: When the Pushing and Pulling Threaten to Tear You Apart. You can find it at www.GettingBacktoLove.com.
12 September 2008
Top Ten Female Turn Ons
When it comes to sexual turn-ons, men and women are very different. It is not a myth that women are attracted to a man who is comfortable with his emotions. It is also true that many women are on the hunt for an attractive man who knows how to treat a lady right! The following is a list of the top ten female turn ons gathered from hours spent listening to women tell it like it is.
1. A man who can make you feel like a woman
For many women, respect is the number one thing that they look for in a man. Not only is it a prerequisite, it is also a big turn on! A man who respects a woman and appreciates her for who she is has the power to make her weak in the knees.
2. A man who is not afraid to take charge
Women like strength and not just physical strength. Women like to think that their man can take charge of any situation. Giving a woman a feeling of protection is endearing as well as arousing.
3. A man who can be dominated
All relationships involve a power dynamic. A man can be strong with his woman, but must also be able to surrender some of that power. A woman likes to take control sometimes and feels sexy when a man is ready and willing to respond to all her demands.
4. A man with a sensitive side
Contrary to popular belief, women are not looking for a man who wants to talk about his emotions constantly. Sensitivity is a good thing but more important is to be emotionally well-balanced. One of the biggest female turn ons is having a man who is not afraid to show his emotions.
5. A man who can hold his own
A man who is unable to take care of himself turns women off! Being self-sufficient reassures a woman that she will not have to handle everything in a relationship. Men who are overly dependent are perceived as weak and that is not an attractive quality!
6. A man who is successful
Success does not necessarily mean wealth. Women feel comfortable with the fact that a man can support himself and his family. Most women are looking for a man who is ambitious and passionate about life. A successful person appears more confident and confidence is always a turn on.
7. A man in uniform
Sorry men, but this is not a myth. Women love a man in uniform! Although firefighters and policemen top the list, most likely any uniform will do!
8. A man with a great body
Women are not nearly as fixated on this one as men are, but women are also turned on by a man with a fantastic body. Women have differing ideas about what is physically attractive in a man, but wide shoulders and a cute backside doesn't hurt!
9. A man with a brain and a sense of humor
Although it may be fun to have a fling with the male version of Barbie, women are more turned on by men who are smart and funny. A dim-witted dullard gets boring fast. Women want their fires lit by someone who can tell a good joke and can challenge them intellectually.
10. A man who is good with kids
Many men dread this one, so thank goodness it is number 10 on the list. Women are not necessarily picturing you as the father of their children, but it is endearing to see the nurturing side of a man. Men might not want to hear it and women might not like to admit it, but a man holding a baby is beautiful and a turn on!
1. A man who can make you feel like a woman
For many women, respect is the number one thing that they look for in a man. Not only is it a prerequisite, it is also a big turn on! A man who respects a woman and appreciates her for who she is has the power to make her weak in the knees.
2. A man who is not afraid to take charge
Women like strength and not just physical strength. Women like to think that their man can take charge of any situation. Giving a woman a feeling of protection is endearing as well as arousing.
3. A man who can be dominated
All relationships involve a power dynamic. A man can be strong with his woman, but must also be able to surrender some of that power. A woman likes to take control sometimes and feels sexy when a man is ready and willing to respond to all her demands.
4. A man with a sensitive side
Contrary to popular belief, women are not looking for a man who wants to talk about his emotions constantly. Sensitivity is a good thing but more important is to be emotionally well-balanced. One of the biggest female turn ons is having a man who is not afraid to show his emotions.
5. A man who can hold his own
A man who is unable to take care of himself turns women off! Being self-sufficient reassures a woman that she will not have to handle everything in a relationship. Men who are overly dependent are perceived as weak and that is not an attractive quality!
6. A man who is successful
Success does not necessarily mean wealth. Women feel comfortable with the fact that a man can support himself and his family. Most women are looking for a man who is ambitious and passionate about life. A successful person appears more confident and confidence is always a turn on.
7. A man in uniform
Sorry men, but this is not a myth. Women love a man in uniform! Although firefighters and policemen top the list, most likely any uniform will do!
8. A man with a great body
Women are not nearly as fixated on this one as men are, but women are also turned on by a man with a fantastic body. Women have differing ideas about what is physically attractive in a man, but wide shoulders and a cute backside doesn't hurt!
9. A man with a brain and a sense of humor
Although it may be fun to have a fling with the male version of Barbie, women are more turned on by men who are smart and funny. A dim-witted dullard gets boring fast. Women want their fires lit by someone who can tell a good joke and can challenge them intellectually.
10. A man who is good with kids
Many men dread this one, so thank goodness it is number 10 on the list. Women are not necessarily picturing you as the father of their children, but it is endearing to see the nurturing side of a man. Men might not want to hear it and women might not like to admit it, but a man holding a baby is beautiful and a turn on!
by Marisa Pellegrino
Marisa Pellegrino is freelance journalist and a writer for a Montreal radio show called Passion, a program about dating, relationships, and sex. She is also the writer/webmaster for Dating Ideas http://www.dating-idea.com/ a website with advice about dating and relationships.
Marisa Pellegrino is freelance journalist and a writer for a Montreal radio show called Passion, a program about dating, relationships, and sex. She is also the writer/webmaster for Dating Ideas http://www.dating-idea.com/ a website with advice about dating and relationships.
Top 10 Male Turn Ons
It is an undeniable fact that a man is powerless to the charms of a beautiful woman. All men, however, have a different definition of beauty.
Regardless of how a man defines what he finds attractive in a woman, there are several common male turn-ons that all men would agree to. The following is a list of the top ten male turn ons:
1. Women who leave something to the imagination
As unbelievable as it sounds, men often prefer to be teased with a little taste of what is to come. This would include a woman who dresses to show a little skin, but not too much. For example, a female who offers the slight glimpse of a thong or a bra strap is often more seductive than one who is scantily clad. Women who maintain a certain degree of class are always more attractive to men than women who openly share all their secrets!
2. She is not afraid to admit that she loves sex
There is nothing wrong with enjoying the act of sex, and there are fewer things more attractive to a man than a woman who can admit this! Many men have a major obsession with sex, so a sexually confident woman with a healthy sex drive is a big turn on for them.
3. She has a strong sense of self-esteem
It is said that the dream of all men is to have a woman at his beck and call; au contraire, most men are looking for a woman who can think for herself. Men are hugely turned on by a woman who believes in herself and has the confidence to speak her mind. Men tire easily of women who constantly need to be reassured. A woman with self-esteem is more challenging and keeps men on their toes!
4. She knows how to talk dirty
It may sound cliché, but men love it when a woman talks dirty! For men, hearing a woman describe what she wants sexually is a turn on. Women who effortlessly talk dirty are exciting and hold the promise of amazing sex.
5. She loves her body
Men love to look at women’s bodies. It is no secret that men love a great pair of breasts or a lovely backside. Moreover, men love a woman who appreciates what she’s got and is not shy to show it. It is difficult to be turned on by a woman who is ashamed of her body, but a woman who embraces her attributes will always win the attention of eager men!
6. She has an accent
You have probably heard this one before and you may find it hard to believe, but true enough, an accent is a male turn on. Regardless of whether she is from Scotland or Spain, her accent will be perceived as exotic to a man. It is especially sexy when she is describing what she loves to do in bed!
7. She has a wicked sense of humor
A woman who can be funny is very attractive and approachable. Men are turned on by a witty woman; one who can dish it out as well as she can take it! A sense of humor adds playfulness to the relationship and always keeps them coming back for more!
8. She is adventurous
Women who are willing to try new things and live on the wild side will always win the attention of a man. Showing a free-spirited nature is sexy and a challenge for any man!
9. She is independent
Men do not like to think that every woman is seeking a lifetime commitment. Men are turned on by women who can have casual relationships, without attachment. An independent woman is self-sufficient and free to have fun!
10. She looks like a centerfold
We can all fantasize, can’t we? Men know that the majority of women do not look like Pamela Anderson, but that doesn’t keep them from wishing they could hook up with one who does.
Regardless of how a man defines what he finds attractive in a woman, there are several common male turn-ons that all men would agree to. The following is a list of the top ten male turn ons:
1. Women who leave something to the imagination
As unbelievable as it sounds, men often prefer to be teased with a little taste of what is to come. This would include a woman who dresses to show a little skin, but not too much. For example, a female who offers the slight glimpse of a thong or a bra strap is often more seductive than one who is scantily clad. Women who maintain a certain degree of class are always more attractive to men than women who openly share all their secrets!
2. She is not afraid to admit that she loves sex
There is nothing wrong with enjoying the act of sex, and there are fewer things more attractive to a man than a woman who can admit this! Many men have a major obsession with sex, so a sexually confident woman with a healthy sex drive is a big turn on for them.
3. She has a strong sense of self-esteem
It is said that the dream of all men is to have a woman at his beck and call; au contraire, most men are looking for a woman who can think for herself. Men are hugely turned on by a woman who believes in herself and has the confidence to speak her mind. Men tire easily of women who constantly need to be reassured. A woman with self-esteem is more challenging and keeps men on their toes!
4. She knows how to talk dirty
It may sound cliché, but men love it when a woman talks dirty! For men, hearing a woman describe what she wants sexually is a turn on. Women who effortlessly talk dirty are exciting and hold the promise of amazing sex.
5. She loves her body
Men love to look at women’s bodies. It is no secret that men love a great pair of breasts or a lovely backside. Moreover, men love a woman who appreciates what she’s got and is not shy to show it. It is difficult to be turned on by a woman who is ashamed of her body, but a woman who embraces her attributes will always win the attention of eager men!
6. She has an accent
You have probably heard this one before and you may find it hard to believe, but true enough, an accent is a male turn on. Regardless of whether she is from Scotland or Spain, her accent will be perceived as exotic to a man. It is especially sexy when she is describing what she loves to do in bed!
7. She has a wicked sense of humor
A woman who can be funny is very attractive and approachable. Men are turned on by a witty woman; one who can dish it out as well as she can take it! A sense of humor adds playfulness to the relationship and always keeps them coming back for more!
8. She is adventurous
Women who are willing to try new things and live on the wild side will always win the attention of a man. Showing a free-spirited nature is sexy and a challenge for any man!
9. She is independent
Men do not like to think that every woman is seeking a lifetime commitment. Men are turned on by women who can have casual relationships, without attachment. An independent woman is self-sufficient and free to have fun!
10. She looks like a centerfold
We can all fantasize, can’t we? Men know that the majority of women do not look like Pamela Anderson, but that doesn’t keep them from wishing they could hook up with one who does.
by Marisa Pellegrino
Marisa Pellegrino is freelance journalist and a writer for a Montreal radio show called Passion, a program about dating, relationships, and sex. She is also the writer/webmaster for Dating Ideas http://www.dating-idea.com/ a website with advice about dating and relationships.
Marisa Pellegrino is freelance journalist and a writer for a Montreal radio show called Passion, a program about dating, relationships, and sex. She is also the writer/webmaster for Dating Ideas http://www.dating-idea.com/ a website with advice about dating and relationships.
10 Ways to Take The Passion To A New Level
Take your passion to a new level. A few tips are sure to get back the zing in your relationship. Some ideas may seem like basic romance... but let's be honest... when was the last time you actually did them? The only way to recreate the magic is to put the ideas into practice. Try all 10 and see what happens!
Take a hot shower or bath together:
Keep close physical contact when you are taking a shower together. Wash each other and whisper those naughty things that you specifically love about making love to them.
Share a romantic candle light dinner together:
Nothing speaks romance like sharing a meal with some good music in the background. Make sure the dinner you share is conducive to a romantic setting. Food that can easily be eaten with the least amount of utensils is usually your best bet!
Keep constant close physical contact when you are not at home:
Keeping a sparked connection throughout the night is one of the most effective ways to keeping your partner passionate about you. A hand on his thigh, a whisper in his ear or a kiss on the neck are all great for reminding your partner what's waiting at home.
A long, passionate kiss:
A kiss is the most intimate way to express your desire. When you first start dating it's usually the only way to express your desire. Refresh your kissing skills by catching your partner off-guard with a weak-in-the-knees passionate kiss.
Leave a sexy note in the morning:
They'll be thinking about it all day at work! Want to keep your partner's mind on you all day? Then do this right away! You can even go a step further and tell your partner what's in store for him.
Feed each other sensually suggestive finger foods:
Set the tone for an incredible lovemaking experience with a little forethought and some of his favourite tender treats. It will leave your partner with a tingling feeling and he will be begging for more!
Slow, sensual massage, complete with massage oil:
If your hands slowly massaging every part of their body can't turn them on... well, you need more than these tips to jump start your sexual relationship! Create new sensations with the addition of props such as a feather, fur mitten or a metal chain.
Read your partner a sexy bedtime story:
The best encounters are those that we don't plan. Tell your partner you'd like to read him a story. Without letting him see the book, begin to delight his ears with a sensual story made perfect for two!
Write a sexy letter describing everything you'd like to do to them:
Sometimes it's difficult to actually speak out the things we enjoy about sex with our partner. Why not write to him instead? Leave no doubts about your attraction and get him ready for some loving with a very detailed description about what you enjoy doing together!
Study a new sexual practice such as tantric sex or the kama sutra together:
Expand your sexual horizons and learn new ways to turn each other on. There are many, many sexual techniques you can learn or sexual practices to study: Get two books, one for each of you, on a particular subject relating to sex.
Agree on a pre-determined time frame to be done with the books. On one agreed night, one partner will give a full body "report" on what they learned. On another night the other partner will do the same. Read on and exchange notes.
Take a hot shower or bath together:
Keep close physical contact when you are taking a shower together. Wash each other and whisper those naughty things that you specifically love about making love to them.
Share a romantic candle light dinner together:
Nothing speaks romance like sharing a meal with some good music in the background. Make sure the dinner you share is conducive to a romantic setting. Food that can easily be eaten with the least amount of utensils is usually your best bet!
Keep constant close physical contact when you are not at home:
Keeping a sparked connection throughout the night is one of the most effective ways to keeping your partner passionate about you. A hand on his thigh, a whisper in his ear or a kiss on the neck are all great for reminding your partner what's waiting at home.
A long, passionate kiss:
A kiss is the most intimate way to express your desire. When you first start dating it's usually the only way to express your desire. Refresh your kissing skills by catching your partner off-guard with a weak-in-the-knees passionate kiss.
Leave a sexy note in the morning:
They'll be thinking about it all day at work! Want to keep your partner's mind on you all day? Then do this right away! You can even go a step further and tell your partner what's in store for him.
Feed each other sensually suggestive finger foods:
Set the tone for an incredible lovemaking experience with a little forethought and some of his favourite tender treats. It will leave your partner with a tingling feeling and he will be begging for more!
Slow, sensual massage, complete with massage oil:
If your hands slowly massaging every part of their body can't turn them on... well, you need more than these tips to jump start your sexual relationship! Create new sensations with the addition of props such as a feather, fur mitten or a metal chain.
Read your partner a sexy bedtime story:
The best encounters are those that we don't plan. Tell your partner you'd like to read him a story. Without letting him see the book, begin to delight his ears with a sensual story made perfect for two!
Write a sexy letter describing everything you'd like to do to them:
Sometimes it's difficult to actually speak out the things we enjoy about sex with our partner. Why not write to him instead? Leave no doubts about your attraction and get him ready for some loving with a very detailed description about what you enjoy doing together!
Study a new sexual practice such as tantric sex or the kama sutra together:
Expand your sexual horizons and learn new ways to turn each other on. There are many, many sexual techniques you can learn or sexual practices to study: Get two books, one for each of you, on a particular subject relating to sex.
Agree on a pre-determined time frame to be done with the books. On one agreed night, one partner will give a full body "report" on what they learned. On another night the other partner will do the same. Read on and exchange notes.
Michael Douglas is a relationship expert and the webmaster of Love-Lectures.com, where he provides tips and ideas to plan a romantic evening, help to find you a perfect location for your romantic getaway, and tips to help you choose travel packages and apparel for your romantic honeymoon.
08 September 2008
The Romantic StripTease
Have you ever fantasized about being a stripper? Have you ever thought it would be cool to do a striptease for your lover? Well, guess what? You're not alone!
Truth be told, many women have this same fantasy. Many more have even busted a move for their lover. Sound like fun? It sure is! Plus, the Romantic Striptease is an awesome way to show your lover just how sexy you're feeling. And take it from me, he will agree with you 100%.
Of course anytime you remove your own clothes in front of your lover there's sure to be fireworks. But lets do something special. Let's treat your lover, let's plan an actual Romantic Striptease.
So, what's needed to make the Romantic Striptease a success? Let's have a look.
First and foremost, as mentioned in my book the Romantic Tips Guide you do not have to be a professional dancer to do this. It's all about having fun and spending some quality time with each other!
Next, is music selection. Keep in mind you and your partners taste. The music you choose needs to be a bit on the slow side. Not too slow and draggy, but slow enough so you will be able to take your time removing your clothes one piece at a time and really Tease.
Speaking of clothing, you'll have to plan what to wear. And, you won't need to go shopping either. Well...not unless you want to. ;-) It is best to start off fully dressed. After all it is called a Strip TEASE.
Removing layers is much more fun, and exciting. A sexy dress, or blouse and skirt, choose an outfit that always turns your partner on. You know, the one where he just can't keep his hands off you. Then for underneath that, choose a couple more things. A pretty camisole, over a sexy bra.
On the bottom put a pair of sexy skimpy panties over a pair of thongs. Eventually you'll be removing it all, one piece at a time. Remember, anything that drive's your sweetie wild, and whatever makes you feel sexy and desirable is in order here.
You can pretty much choose whatever's in your closet for the outer layer. A good, naughty choice is always the schoolgirl look, or you could go for the button-down business look. A tie would later make a great prop. Just think about looping it behind his head to pull him into your breasts.
Then accessorize. This includes anything like glasses, hats, ties, as well as the all-important thigh highs, (or garter belt and stockings) and stiletto heels. Just make sure you can actually move around and dance in those stilettos.
If you don't have any in your closet, borrow a pair from a friend. Also long necklaces look amazing when you\'re down to the bare essentials, plus long gloves and feather boas are great accessories too.
Place a chair some where in your bedroom where you will have easy access to move all around it. Of course it's for your sweetie to sit on and watch as you dazzle him with your StripTease.
Also, chill some of your lover's favorite beverage. Wine or champagne would be great. You could have some fresh fruit like strawberries or grapes to feed your lover as you dance up a storm. Just remember to take it slow and easy.
When the time comes to do your Romantic StripTease remove one piece of clothing at a time, making sure to linger on each piece. Give it a try, I promise you and your lover will have great fun. Oh yeah and great sex as well!
Marie Clare
Truth be told, many women have this same fantasy. Many more have even busted a move for their lover. Sound like fun? It sure is! Plus, the Romantic Striptease is an awesome way to show your lover just how sexy you're feeling. And take it from me, he will agree with you 100%.
Of course anytime you remove your own clothes in front of your lover there's sure to be fireworks. But lets do something special. Let's treat your lover, let's plan an actual Romantic Striptease.
So, what's needed to make the Romantic Striptease a success? Let's have a look.
First and foremost, as mentioned in my book the Romantic Tips Guide you do not have to be a professional dancer to do this. It's all about having fun and spending some quality time with each other!
Next, is music selection. Keep in mind you and your partners taste. The music you choose needs to be a bit on the slow side. Not too slow and draggy, but slow enough so you will be able to take your time removing your clothes one piece at a time and really Tease.
Speaking of clothing, you'll have to plan what to wear. And, you won't need to go shopping either. Well...not unless you want to. ;-) It is best to start off fully dressed. After all it is called a Strip TEASE.
Removing layers is much more fun, and exciting. A sexy dress, or blouse and skirt, choose an outfit that always turns your partner on. You know, the one where he just can't keep his hands off you. Then for underneath that, choose a couple more things. A pretty camisole, over a sexy bra.
On the bottom put a pair of sexy skimpy panties over a pair of thongs. Eventually you'll be removing it all, one piece at a time. Remember, anything that drive's your sweetie wild, and whatever makes you feel sexy and desirable is in order here.
You can pretty much choose whatever's in your closet for the outer layer. A good, naughty choice is always the schoolgirl look, or you could go for the button-down business look. A tie would later make a great prop. Just think about looping it behind his head to pull him into your breasts.
Then accessorize. This includes anything like glasses, hats, ties, as well as the all-important thigh highs, (or garter belt and stockings) and stiletto heels. Just make sure you can actually move around and dance in those stilettos.
If you don't have any in your closet, borrow a pair from a friend. Also long necklaces look amazing when you\'re down to the bare essentials, plus long gloves and feather boas are great accessories too.
Place a chair some where in your bedroom where you will have easy access to move all around it. Of course it's for your sweetie to sit on and watch as you dazzle him with your StripTease.
Also, chill some of your lover's favorite beverage. Wine or champagne would be great. You could have some fresh fruit like strawberries or grapes to feed your lover as you dance up a storm. Just remember to take it slow and easy.
When the time comes to do your Romantic StripTease remove one piece of clothing at a time, making sure to linger on each piece. Give it a try, I promise you and your lover will have great fun. Oh yeah and great sex as well!
Marie Clare
Lifematesnow - Your Source for Online Dating, Romantic Gifts, Games, Adult Toys & DVDs. Plus Free Tips, Hot Articles and Advice on Dating, Romance, Relationships and Sexuality. http://www.lifematesnow.com
Sex Without Intimacy and Intimacy Without Sex
Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life by Kevin B. Burk
We no longer feel the social pressure to confine sex to committed relationships. In fact, we're free to explore our sexuality with just about anyone we like. Sex is now an accepted recreational activity.
What we often don't realize, however, is that even casual, recreational sex still involves intimacy. We may have overcome our fear and shame about sex, but many of us still have issues regarding intimacy.
If we experience more intimacy than we can handle, we will feel threatened; our safety checklist will be triggered. No matter how 'safe' we make sex, sex may not be safe to us.
When we experience an orgasm, we reveal ourselves more completely and more honestly than at any other time. We let our egos die for a moment, and we have the chance to experience a true connection with another person.
Then the ego comes back into the picture, and we're hit with the fear of separation, and all of our old patterns. If we don't have enough trust or enough safety, we will feel threatened, guilty, and generally unsafe.
No matter how much society's beliefs about sex have evolved in our lifetime, our core conditioning tells us that there's no such thing as no-strings sex. We still equate sex with love, and love with commitment. And we equate love and commitment with vulnerability, responsibility, and the fear that our needs will not be met.
Sex is very easy to come by in today's society. What most of us crave, however, is not sex, but intimacy. The challenge is that the only model most of us have for expressing or experiencing intimacy is sex. Intimacy requires trust, and trust takes time. It's very difficult to experience true intimacy through casual sex.
The level of intimacy we experience through sex can be threatening to many of us, particularly if the sex occurs early in the relationship. Safety is essential in the early stages of a relationship even the smallest safety violation can mark the end of a budding romance.
As we get to know our partners over time, we create a foundation of trust and familiarity. We can keep minor safety violations in perspective. This is not the case when we have truly casual sex with someone.
When we become sexual with a person we've just met, even the smallest safety violation will be enough to stop our getting to know each other. One of the challenges is that it's not usually appropriate or possible to have a Relationship Definition Talk with a person we've known less than six hours.
There is no real relationship to discuss. While we both may have wanted to pursue a romantic relationship before we had sex, we often find we're less interested the next morning, because we feel unsafe.
We experienced too much intimacy too quickly, and we need to create some distance, some space, and to put up some walls so that we can recover. These walls, however, block the emotional and spiritual connections we experienced that made us want to get to know each other in the first place.
Since we don't really know our partner, we wonder if there was ever a genuine connection between us. We often end up with the awkward 'morning after' where one of us promises to call the other, and neither of us believes the phone will actually ring.
Two popular television shows demonstrate our current approaches to sex without intimacy and intimacy without sex.
SEX WITHOUT INTIMACY: "SEX AND THE CITY"
HBO's television series, "Sex and the City," follows the loves and lives of four single women living in New York City. The show has become a cultural touchstone because it explores sexuality from the woman's point of view in frank, funny, and honest ways.
The four main characters are smart, independent, decent, professional, attractive women. They each have a different approach to sex, love and relationships, and between them they cover a broad spectrum of expectations and attitudes towards sex.
The main characters have become so much a part of popular culture that many women use them as reference points to describe their own patterns and feelings about sex. So do many gay men.
For those of you not familiar with the series (and even for those of us who are), I'll provide a brief description of each of the main characters to illustrate their attitudes towards sex.
SAMANTHA
Samantha Jones takes the most stereotypically male approach to sex. She truly enjoys sex, and for the most part, she's content to have a healthy sex life with multiple partners. She has no guilt or shame associated with sex.
Sex for Samantha does not require any kind of emotional commitment, nor does it imply any kind of relationship. She enjoys sex for the sake of sex. Samantha is largely self-sufficient, and is able to meet her validation needs through her close friendships.
Although Samantha had three significant romantic relationships during the run of the show (including a lesbian relationship), she has never set out to find a relationship.
CARRIE
Carrie Bradshaw has a healthy appreciation for casual sex as well. Carrie, however, is looking for something more than just sex, she is looking for a relationship.
While Carrie is less likely than Samantha to simply hook up with an attractive stranger, she doesn't need to feel like she's in a committed relationship before she will have sex.
Sex is a part of casual dating for Carrie.
MIRANDA
Miranda Hobbes is more interested in finding a romantic relationship than she admits. For Miranda, sex is more than just sex, it implies some kind of commitment, and requires some kind of emotional connection.
The few times Miranda has indulged in strictly casual sex, she's been disappointed. Miranda needs to feel that sex is a part of a relationship, and she has, in the past, used sex as a way to try to initiate a relationship.
Once she has sex with someone, she immediately begins to see him as a potential long-term romantic partner.
CHARLOTTE
If Samantha is the most stereotypically masculine in her approach to sex, Charlotte York is the most stereotypically feminine. Although she doesn't like to admit it, Charlotte is uncomfortable with the idea of casual sex.
For Charlotte, sex should only be part of a committed relationship. Charlotte sets the most boundaries with respect to her sex life, how far she's willing to go sexually has a direct relation to how strong a commitment she receives from her partner.
Of course this did backfire on her, she made her first husband wait until they were married before she would have sex with him, and then discovered that he couldn't.
INTIMACY WITHOUT SEX: "WILL & GRACE"
"Sex and the City" mainly focuses on sex. If we want to find a model for an intimate relationship, we have to look to another popular television show: "Will & Grace."
Will Truman and Grace Adler share a tremendous amount of love, trust and intimacy in their relationship. They validate and support each other, and they share the kind of emotional connections that most of us truly crave in our lives.
Ironically, the only reason that they manage to do this is that sex can never be a part of their relationship, since Will is gay. Women and gay men have always shared a special bond. In many ways, relationships between women and gay men are the only ones where we can experience true intimacy without involving sex.
But sex and intimacy are still connected.
The more intimate we become with someone, the more important it will be that we are able to express that intimacy through sex. Our objective in our romantic relationships is to feel loved. Ultimately, love involves a balance of sex and intimacy.
But for many of us, the choice seems to be either having intimacy without sex, or sex without intimacy. We've all but forgotten how to combine the two.
Kevin B. Burk is the author of The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve Every Relationship in Your Life. Visit www.EveryRelationship.com for a FREE report on creating AMAZING Relationships.
Time For A Quickie!
Technique! We seem to have become obsessed by it! There are probably thousands of books offering detailed explanations of ways to make love to your partner.
But what about spontaneity? Where's that gone? What about the pleasures of the impromptu quickie? You're both horny, there's a raw urgency in the air, and you need it NOW!
Some women are afraid to let their partner know that they'd like a quickie. Supposing he misinterprets it and thinks you just want a quick shag that can be over and done within next to no time because you can't be bothered with the 'real thing'?
The truth is, if you're horny and lusting for him, wanting a quickie will just show how much you still fancy him on a physical basis. You wouldn't feel irked at being desperately wanted by the bloke you fancy most, would you?
Sex serves many purposes and variation is no bad thing. One purpose is the reinforcement of that private bond which exists only between the two of you; something nobody else can share in.
For this reason, having a quickie in a 'forbidden' situation can actually strengthen the relationship. When everybody is in full swing at the party, a couple that go outside and urgently make love have a secret that's theirs alone.
The excitement of being found out is also frequently linked with quickie sex. Having a quick romp in a semi-public place (such as behind the garage at the above mentioned party) can be highly stimulating.
The feeling of 'naughtiness' often leads to intense arousal, culminating in delicious sex that's equally as good as the sex we'd ordinarily have in our comfortable beds with plenty of foreplay.
The term 'sex-positions' takes on a whole new meaning with quickie sex and couples often find themselves in positions that they'd never have otherwise experimented with.
Old pieces of furniture, a wall, a washing machine or anything else that happens to be close by comes into its own when no-frills sex is on the menu.
One or both partners are usually partially dressed, something which in itself can be very arousing.
Being held up against a wall with one breast outside your bra, your knickers around your knees and trying not to kick those litter bins for fear of attracting unwanted attention.... well, it could just as easily be a fantasy!
There's no right time or place for a quickie. Only your imagination can limit where and when. If you really want it, you'll find a place or situation that will be suitable for a bout of urgent sex.
The kitchen table, the garden shed, or even a toilet seat will do. Just keep one thing in mind - no matter how desperate you are, it really isn't a good idea to subject unwitting by-passers to your amorous frolics.
There are plenty of exhibitionists around, but we aren't all voyeurs!
Happy bonking!
Article by Sharon Jacobsen
Sharon was originally from East London but left to live in Norway at the age of 19. After 18 years she returned to the UK and is now living in Cheshire with her partner and two of her three children.
Having moved around a lot, Sharon understood how difficult it could be for women to find new friends in new areas and to make the situation easier, she launched FriendsYourWay UK (www.friendsyourway.co.uk), a website designed to help UK women find other women for friendship in their local area.
But what about spontaneity? Where's that gone? What about the pleasures of the impromptu quickie? You're both horny, there's a raw urgency in the air, and you need it NOW!
Some women are afraid to let their partner know that they'd like a quickie. Supposing he misinterprets it and thinks you just want a quick shag that can be over and done within next to no time because you can't be bothered with the 'real thing'?
The truth is, if you're horny and lusting for him, wanting a quickie will just show how much you still fancy him on a physical basis. You wouldn't feel irked at being desperately wanted by the bloke you fancy most, would you?
Sex serves many purposes and variation is no bad thing. One purpose is the reinforcement of that private bond which exists only between the two of you; something nobody else can share in.
For this reason, having a quickie in a 'forbidden' situation can actually strengthen the relationship. When everybody is in full swing at the party, a couple that go outside and urgently make love have a secret that's theirs alone.
The excitement of being found out is also frequently linked with quickie sex. Having a quick romp in a semi-public place (such as behind the garage at the above mentioned party) can be highly stimulating.
The feeling of 'naughtiness' often leads to intense arousal, culminating in delicious sex that's equally as good as the sex we'd ordinarily have in our comfortable beds with plenty of foreplay.
The term 'sex-positions' takes on a whole new meaning with quickie sex and couples often find themselves in positions that they'd never have otherwise experimented with.
Old pieces of furniture, a wall, a washing machine or anything else that happens to be close by comes into its own when no-frills sex is on the menu.
One or both partners are usually partially dressed, something which in itself can be very arousing.
Being held up against a wall with one breast outside your bra, your knickers around your knees and trying not to kick those litter bins for fear of attracting unwanted attention.... well, it could just as easily be a fantasy!
There's no right time or place for a quickie. Only your imagination can limit where and when. If you really want it, you'll find a place or situation that will be suitable for a bout of urgent sex.
The kitchen table, the garden shed, or even a toilet seat will do. Just keep one thing in mind - no matter how desperate you are, it really isn't a good idea to subject unwitting by-passers to your amorous frolics.
There are plenty of exhibitionists around, but we aren't all voyeurs!
Happy bonking!
Article by Sharon Jacobsen
Sharon was originally from East London but left to live in Norway at the age of 19. After 18 years she returned to the UK and is now living in Cheshire with her partner and two of her three children.
Having moved around a lot, Sharon understood how difficult it could be for women to find new friends in new areas and to make the situation easier, she launched FriendsYourWay UK (www.friendsyourway.co.uk), a website designed to help UK women find other women for friendship in their local area.
Benefits of Sex
Before getting into the more sought after advice, and not that you needed to be convinced, but here are just a few benefits from enjoying a healthy sex life:
- Cardiovascular Health: The aerobic exercise that is involved with sexual activity, particularly intercourse, is a great way to keep your heart fit and improve blood circulation. I think everyone can agree, whether you love or hate exercise, that sex is the most fun way of getting fit.
- Body Health: Sex lowers blood pressure, increases your energy, alleviates joint and muscle pain, improves circulation and flexibility, strengthens muscles and bones, lowers bad cholesterol and improves the quality of sleep.
- Weight: As with increasing cardiovascular health and endurance, sex is also a great way to burn energy and lose weight.
- Immune System: Doctor’s have noted that increased levels of sexual activity is linked with a boost of certain immune cells that help your body fight against colds, flu’s and infections.
- Chemical / Hormones: All the hormones and chemicals released from the brain can increase your mood as well as helping ease chronic pain such as headaches, migraines, back pain as well as reduce depression, stress and calm anxiety. Studies (early stages of research) have also found that oxytocin and DHEA released during orgasm have properties that may aid in the prevention of breast-cancer tumours forming.
- Lifespan: As with the linked to increased hormone release, fitness and immune system functioning, sex can increase a person’s longevity.
- Intimacy: It creates a greater sense of intimacy and connection between you and your lover which will help with experiencing a more fulfilling and satisfying relationship.
- Self Esteem: Increases positive feelings about yourself and your self image. This further lead to more confidence in and out of the bedroom.
Sexuality Survey
Get involved in one of my sexuality survey's...
Its quite thought provoking and certainly not the usual one you would have done before...
Check it out at:
http://www.polldaddy.com/s/79A4B446B192C9DB/
J.V XX
Its quite thought provoking and certainly not the usual one you would have done before...
Check it out at:
http://www.polldaddy.com/s/79A4B446B192C9DB/
J.V XX
Guide to Sexual Mastery Welcome
Regular articles to enhance your sex life in and outside of the bedroom to be added soon...
Johnny Vegas (J.V) XX
Johnny Vegas (J.V) XX
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